I'm So Sorry
by bendypinkone
Summary: The end of Season 3 and beyond, rewritten. This follows Weiss' perspective of Season 3, everyone finds out about those 2 missing years, Vaughn's obsession with finding Lauren ends up with consequences, and he has to try really hard to repair damage done.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the people who created or own Alias.**

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**Chapter 1**

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**Weiss' point of view**

I watched her sleep. If it wasn't for Mike, I think I'd sleep better. After nights like tonight, including her and I with a bottle of tequila, her memories, and her curiosity about Mike and Lauren, I find it impossible to sleep. I'm afraid I'll get a call in the middle of the night that they found her dead of a broken heart, or sleeping pills, or from crying to the point of dehydration.

I know Sydney is still in love with him. It's almost heartbreaking to see and listen to her talk about him. Ask about him. And ask about _her_. My opinion of her. Lauren. A few months ago, when Sydney first came back, when I'd first gotten her moved in, I remember telling her Lauren was nice. I didn't want her to get upset when no one hated Lauren for being with "Michael." I really did mean it at the time.

But as the months progress, I like Lauren less and less. I'm grateful, to some degree, that she was there for him when he thought he'd never love anyone ever again – when he was drowning in alcohol and suicidal thoughts. But something about her lately seems off – seems fake, even. The way she rubs her marriage in Sydney's face, just because she's insecure about Sydney's return and angry that Syd and Mike work together, her inability to be as devoted to Vaughn as Sydney was… as Sydney _is_ – something about it all just isn't right. And I know that a few nights ago, he told Lauren he wanted to separate. He'd asked to stay at my house. I mean, I felt bad for him for having to go through that, and it sucks because he's a honorable guy and there's no way anyone would ever be able to actually tell him to leave his own wife, but at the same time, part of me thought "finally." But then tonight, the way Lauren played on his sense of obligation, on his guilt, to get him to stay with her. I'm starting to really hate her. And I'm starting to feel less bad for him. It takes two people for a mess like that to work out – the one doing the guilting... and the one letting themselves be guilted...

Vaughn. I mean, I do feel bad for him. And he is still my best friend – I just no longer agree with his decisions in life. I meant it when I'd told Sydney that he wasn't cavalier about moving on – he really wasn't. In some ways, I don't think it's wrong that he did move on. But I definitely think he rushed it. I've been thinking about it all ever since he told me how Syd had called him out on losing faith, how she would have waited…

They got married only a year after Sydney "died." They'd only been dating a few months. And while I thought it was healthy to move on, I didn't mean he should rush and frankly, I didn't really mean to another woman. I just meant in general. Kind of the way Sydney said she's trying to move on. "In general."

For a long while, I agreed with Mike – it wasn't a loss of faith; they found her DNA in the body, proving she was dead. He needed to get on with his life and learn to be happy again. Granted, I didn't mean date and get married, but if that's what he needed, I was for it. But then I keep thinking about Sydney's words. "After everything they've seen," and it's true they've seen a lot. It _was_ plausible that she actually was not dead. Dental records can be easily faked as verification of a person's death. Well, not for normal civilians, but for CIA agents who seem to forever be the victim of somebody else's endgame or revenge, it's completely possible. And as I think about it, even more than likely. They've seen people who were supposed to be dead for over 20 years come out of hiding, they've seen people escape horrendous deaths, they've luckily and narrowly escaped death several times themselves. And with all these groups with some interest in these Rambaldi prophecies that tie so closely to Sydney's family, it isn't a wonder that people would want to take her. Even the timing should have made us question it. There had been plenty of opportunities for people to kill her, and they'd never executed such plans. Why that night in particular? We should have investigated.

Jack was imprisoned because he had faith. Because he never gave up hope or the idea that his little girl wasn't actually dead. Hell, he contacted his manipulative and cunning ex-wife, who'd betrayed him and the United States government, just to ask her for help, because he was desperate. He'd found the tape of Lazarey's apparent "murder" at the hand of Sydney's Julia Thorne alias. I mean, he knew she was alive. And actually, Vaughn had told me once how Jack had contacted him a few days before his wedding, with "important information regarding Sydney," but that Vaughn had brushed it off as her father being angry that he was already getting married. What if that information had been the tape – the proof that she was alive? Thinking about all of that, it's true – someone with faith should have read into that – taken their faith and their instinct and wrapped them into some kind of search… the way Jack had. And while he can't be held completely accountable for not thinking she was dead when everything said she was, Vaughn should be accountable for the idea that she would have waited. I mean, it's hard to say what one might do if the situation is reversed. But looking at Sydney, and thinking about what they had together, I really believe her. She would have waited. She never would have moved on. She would've scoured the earth in search of him or better proof, at least, that he was dead or alive. He was different than Danny. They were different. I know this because I know things now that Vaughn doesn't know... and because I know things that Vaugh doesn't know that I know.

Vaughn is careful what he tells me about Sydney these days. Probably because whenever he _has_ brought it up, he looks to me for some kind of guidance and all I can ever say is: "Do I think you should stay in a loveless marriage? No. But if you think for a second that I'm going to tell you to leave your wife, you can forget about it." Hell, he's even asked me if you can be in love with two people at once – that was a definite "no" from me. So Vaughn is more selective and guarded when he brings up Sydney with me. But Sydney, she still talks to me about Vaughn, even if it's hard for her to hear my response sometimes. She needs a confidante, and I'm there for her. So I know.

I know about Vaughn helping Sydney escape to Rome when Lauren sold her out for Lazarey's death. I know that he told her that "though some things have changed, some things haven't." I know he told her that he couldn't lose her again. She told me what he'd said half-drunk, but mostly confused. She didn't get why he'd tell her that. She couldn't get why he helped bust her out of federal prison… when he had his wife to go back to. She couldn't figure out why, when she'd kissed him, thinking she was still in a dream state, he'd hesitated before pushing her away. When she gets so confused over his actions like that, I get mad at Vaughn for being the idiot that leads to her confusion – saying and doing things only unmarried men should be doing. I get mad at Lauren for so blindly looking the other way and not just asking for a divorce. And Syd – her I want to take back to a time when Francie was alive, Will was here to help comfort her, and Vaughn was around so she didn't need comforting anyway.

Will. I know about Will. She told me she'd gotten drunk with him, confiding in him like old times – realizing that with Will, despite him being in witness protection, their relationship would always be the same. How comforting that thought must have been. Lord knows Will has always loved Sydney – even I knew that. She was his login password at the CIA for crying outloud. But they won't ever be together because she's never loved him like that – like the way she still loves Vaughn. She told me what she'd said to Will – about how before she went missing, she'd never been a depressed person, but that now, coming back to _everything_ in her life being completely different, she can't help but feel depressed.

That's probably the worst part about all of this – the way it's crushed her spirit. I mean, she's never ceased to amaze me. Because after _everything_ she's been through: her mother dying before she could get to know her, her father emotionally shutting off as soon as that happened and never really being there for her, finding her fiancé murdered, learning that her employers had done it, learning she was working for the people she thought she was fighting, being betrayed by a man who'd been part of her life for so many years who pretended to care about her well-being, finding out her father was the man he was – a double agent in SD-6 for the CIA, having to learn to work with _the _Jack Bristow as both a double-agent and learning to build a relationship with him, risking her life to protect her country and her loved ones, denying her heart because of leftover Danny-guilt and protocol and Alice, finding out her mother was actually a KGB spy who killed the father of the man she loves, finding out a man she cared about and who loved her was actually a paid assassin, finding out her mother was actually still alive, learning to trust her mother only to be betrayed again, finding out she is part of some 500 year old prophet's endgame that may end the world... after all of that, she stayed strong. She kept working to end evil, she kept smiling and laughing and having fun, and she kept loving. In a lot of ways, she's always been untouchable, unbreakable. But it turns out that it's not a matter of how many times her heart's been broken, how many people she loses, or how many times she's been betrayed… it's _who_ she loses, _who_ betrays her, and _who_ breaks her heart.

It wasn't the loss of her mother's death or Danny's death that broke her; it was losing her father to her mother's betrayal, losing Francie to death as a result of her job, losing Will to the system, losing herself to two years of her life that she can't account for, and losing Vaughn to another woman.

It wasn't the betrayal of Sloane, her mother, or the faux-Francie that broke her; it was finding out Vaughn gave up on her and moved onto another woman so quickly.

It wasn't the broken heart of all of the loss and betrayal she's endured that crushed her spirit; it was – no, it _is_ – seeing Vaughn and Lauren together every day, and everything, warm or cold, that Vaughn ever says to her, reminding her of what was, what isn't, and what she thinks will never be.

I talked to Will after she'd revealed this conversation to me. I asked him if he thought she was okay, and if he was okay with everything. Turns out, he'd imagined sleeping with Sydney for 8 years – so for him, it was fulfilling a fantasy while being there for a friend in need. He knew what it was and what it wasn't, and he didn't mind. Sydney did it for comfort and familiarity – she thought it'd help her move on. But not from Vaughn onto Will. Just "in general." Like it would kick her out of her depression.

In a way, it kind of helped. It reminded her who she _does_ still have in her life. What hasn't changed, or the few things that have changed for the better. She knows that Will, though she would never ask him to, would come out of hiding if she needed him to be there for her. She, last night, revealed how she loves me as a friend, and thanked me for being there for her since she's been back. She thanked me for listening to her talk about Vaughn and answer her questions without complaint, even though she knows it's a rough situation for me, stuck between them. She thanked me for being her best friend and knowing how to make her laugh. I tried to tell her not to thank me. She's my best friend too. Her and Vaughn. I mean, she and I were always friends, but until she'd come back, we'd never really had a chance to get to know one another. And knowing her, I understand. She's also a great listener and an even better person. We've shared stories from the past, I ask her for advice on women, and she has a great heart. And there's her strengthened relationship with her father. Coming back, her and Jack have a new bond and a better understanding of one another. I'm happy for them. Marshall and Dixon are still the same people, even if their roles have extended, Marshall as a husband and father, and Dixon as the new director. She's grateful for all of that.

But beyond seeing the relationships she has, she can't move past the void of Vaughn. She told me she doesn't see herself dating or marrying. Ever. I mean, she'd felt like it was too soon to date for months after Danny, not realizing until Taipei that she'd fallen in love with Vaughn, but still hadn't completely dismissed the idea of being with another man. Though she'd loved Danny with all her heart and had been in love with him, it wasn't until Vaughn that she realized why her and Danny didn't have what she'd always dreamed of – they didn't have the honesty she had with Vaughn, Danny didn't have the ability to sense how she was feeling or break down all of her walls like Vaughn could. Danny knew her heart, but it belonged to Vaughn. And so did her soul.

And that's part of the reason I know Sydney means it when she says she would have waited for Vaughn. Because of how she loves him, because of how she's coping, and most of all, because she _is_ waiting for Vaughn. Physically, on the surface, she's doing better than Vaughn was when he lost her. He was gone for awhile, and then he was an alcoholic who saw things and wanted to kill himself. She, at least, is staying in the fight – she's at work, she shows up and puts on a smile, she's trying to live. But emotionally, well that's a tough call. Her eyes don't light up like they used to, she can't eat much of anything anymore, and beyond that, she's still waiting. For him. He didn't wait that long to move on. He was dating Lauren a little less than nine months after Sydney died. It's been almost a full year since she's returned, and she still hasn't moved on. There are agents whom I've watched hit on her, and she just dismisses it. I know one of our neighbors has been pestering her for dinner or coffee, and she always just politely declines. She's waiting with a dying hope. But her faith remains intact.

There are other reasons I know this is true.

I know about North Korea. I know that her and Vaughn were about to be executed, and thinking it was the last thing he would ever do, he decided to tell her the truth. I know that Vaughn told her that in his life there "is only one person," being Sydney, and that he was going to tell her he loved her but she stopped him. Because she knew. Because it's the same for her. I know she told him they'd "find each other," because they always do. And I know that he kissed her, and that she kissed him back. I know this because that night, after they came back, when he ran straight into Lauren's arms, and she to her dad's, she then ran into mine. I came over to her house for dinner: pizza, beer, and our friend Jose Cuervo. And somewhere between slices 1 and 2, because her appetite has been pretty sad since she's been back, and shot number 5 or 6, she just broke down. And she told me all about it. About how she couldn't let him finish telling her he loves her because of how much she loves him. She said they never needed the words, but the words would be too hard to hear if they were still going to end up apart. She admitted that she wishes she'd let him finish. She also confessed how afterwards, she hoped that maybe something might happen for them. That maybe he'd realize that him and Lauren weren't meant to be. She confessed that she didn't want to break up his marriage, she didn't want to be the reason they got a divorce, but that at the same time, she hoped that he would realize that him and Lauren were like Sydney and Danny. Yes it was love, but it wasn't everlasting and it wasn't the same.

I know that she told Barnett the same thing, about not wanting to be the reason Mike and Lauren separate, hoping it'd be because he wanted something more. I also know that she told Barnett she thought he was her soulmate. That's how I know that she would've waited for him. That's how I know that she is waiting for him, even if she no longer has any hope of being with him. She's still waiting. Hopelessly, yet faithfully, waiting. And that's what's heartbreaking to watch.

I know she doesn't hold onto any hope because of last night. Him and Lauren were separating. He told her they were. She, completely sincerely, had told him how sorry she was that him and Lauren had to go through this. But also that she was hopeful, for herself, and how scary that was. And he'd asked her out to coffee, giving her more reason to be hopeful, and more reason to be scared. But then, in just a phone call, he killed all of her hope. She knew he went back to Lauren, and I knew he did it out of obligation or guilt. But all of the sudden, he told her coffee was off, and then she knew that they had no more hope of getting back together.

But even with all of her hope crushed, she's still waiting. Even after I told her no one would blame her for hating him for going back to Lauren, she still admitted it's not Vaughn she hates. She still protected Vaughn, worried that Lauren might be the Covenant mole. I was worried she just wanted to find flaws in Lauren, but I thought about it, and I believe her that she actually thinks it might be Lauren, not just hoping it is. Because she cares too much about Vaughn to ever wish something like that upon him. Which actually worries me. The idea that Lauren could really be betraying him. Betraying this country. He called me today and had me tap her phone. I didn't know why until I talked to Syd. She'd suggested to him that it was possible she saw Lauren kill Cipher in that club... that it was possible that Lauren was actually the Covenant mole. And he yelled at her... he accused Sydney of bringing it up because of how badly things had worked out for the two of them. Jackass. I almost beat him when she told me the story. ANd I was there when Jack reported to Sydney how his conversation with Vaughn went. Vaughn said he knows the woman he's married to. I hope he's right. I mean, he wasn't exactly cordial towards Joack - just defensive. Even Vaughn had told me the story of his conversation with Jack when I asked. Ugly. But it obviously riled him into action... because soon enough, I was tapping Lauren's phone for him. If Lauren really is Covenant, then we are really going to have a problem. That means that she will be involved with the organization who stole Sydney's eggs... the background of the story I still don't know. I don't even know if Sydney knows. All I just that we went to stop the Rambaldi-Chosen One fertilization which Sark was overseeing, meaning that somehow the Covenant got her eggs, which means the Covenant was responsible for her disappearance. And if Lauren is Covenant then, Lauren was partially responsible for Sydney's disappearance, for everything that happened to her that we don't know about, and for marrying Mike when she knew Sydney was alive... And if that is the case, I will have to fight the intense urge to kill her, Sydney will need her own comforting but will probably throw all of her energy into trying to help Vaughn, who will probably blindly and moronically push her away and hurt her more and damage their relationship further, and he will be forced to face the same crossroads Jack Bristow once faced. But that's another thought for another day.

Back to Sydney and how she's still faithfully waiting, even though she's stopped hoping. Even after enduring today, seeing them together when she was so close to being with him again, she still turned down the agent that asked her to dinner and dancing. She still turned down the neighbor who wanted coffee. And in fact, today, she told him, "Look, you're really sweet, but I don't want to give you the impression that every time I say no, there's some hope I'll say yes in the future. I just, don't want to date right now. And I don't see that happening. It's really not you. I just… can't. I'm sorry." And that's how I'm sure she's still waiting, without hope. Just waiting.

Tonight, during our drink-fest, she asked me about Vaughn and Lauren's relationship. I told her how it's been kind, but lacking compassion. It's been sweet, but lacking passion or vigor. They are friendly, but they are not best friends. They are cute, but they aren't tender. I told her how Lauren had forgotten the anniversary of Vaughn's death. She was shocked – even she had remembered. And some time in between her questions, I asked her one of my own. I asked why she's waiting, and what she's waiting for. She said she knows that they'll never get back together. She knows he'll never leave his wife and that she'll always just be wishing she could be with him. So she's not waiting for him. She's just waiting because she knows she'll never find what they had without him. She knows nothing will come of it, but she'd rather live her life knowing that she's being honest with herself and knowing what's real than try to fill the void with a relationship that is close, but not really the right one.

The tears didn't come until she revealed something that truly did break my heart for her, and kind of made me want to go tell Vaughn to find a new best friend.

_flashback – earlier in the night_

_"I know he's my soul mate, but I guess I'm just not his. And you know, that's okay. Because I can't pretend that I don't feel that way. I can't convince myself that there's someone better out there for me. He was the one, and without him, there is no one." She paused to take a deep breath in some attempt at stopping the tears that had begun to fall. Focusing on her hands, and the glass of liquor she held, she managed to choke out the rest of what she wanted to say to me. "I know that I moved on after Danny. And you know, because I've told you, that I- I figured out that Danny was-wasn't the one. Not for me. He was great, he filled a place in my heart, and I would've married him. But we weren't meant for each other. Sooner or later, it would have ended. Sooner or later, my heart would have searched for Vaughn. That's how I…" she paused again to wipe more tears, "that's how I know that I can't date. Because while I was capable of moving on after Danny, I just ca-can't after Vaughn. But what hurts is that he just-just doesn't see it like that. He did manage to move on… to her. And what I think I'm realizing is that he did that because maybe I was his Danny. I was there, but he found something better… I know he still loves me, but just… not enough, I guess… But that doesn't even matter, because even if he never wants to be with me, even if I'm not his soul mate, he's still mine and I still love him. And I will stay eternally in love with him. And I can't just stop. It's been a year and I still can't stop. It'd be unfair and a lie to date now." By now she was sobbing. "I have faith in us, don't you see? I don't have any false hope that we're going to end up together. But I have faith that we should be – that there's no one else for me. And because of that faith, it doesn't matter if he wants me. Because I am always going to want him." She cried, and I held her, until she fell asleep._

_end flashback_

And now here I am, watching her sleep, making sure she's okay. Sydney gives me hope that I'll find someone to devote myself to, who'll devote herself to me in the same way. I want to tell her she's wrong – Mike _does_ want her, she _is_ his soul mate, he _does_ love her. But that's not my place. And if he can't get his act together enough to tell her, then I'm going to continue to just sit here and make sure she's okay.

With that thought, noting her shallow breathing, I pull her comforter up to her chin, grab a blanket from her linen closet, and take my rightful place on her couch. All of that thinking and analyzing must have worn me out, because it only takes me about a minute to fall asleep myself.

Less than an hour later...

I am jolted from my slumber by a loud, piercing scream. Confused for a few seconds, I suddenly remember where I am, and who the scream must have come from.

I sprint to Sydney's room faster than I knew possible, only to see that she is still asleep, tossing and turning, flailing her arms, her comforter thrown on the floor… and crying? She's crying in her sleep. I realize it must be a nightmare. She's been having them since we got back from that mission to stop the fertilization of her eggs and that Rambaldi tissue. She said she can't tell me what they're about, and I've never seen what they're like.. until now. Terrifying. Immobilizing. Heartwrenching.

I am moved from my train of thought when I hear her mumbling.

"No... nine months... is nothing... He loves me. Loves... me... none months... nothing..."

"Syd?" I shake her shoulder lightly, hoping to wake her. What's she talking about? Nine months? Lauren was in the picture nine months after she went missing... but she doesn't know that... this doesn't make any sense... what is she talking about...

"Syd. Wake up. Sweetie, it's just a dream." I am unsuccessful in waking her, so I keep trying to comfort her while restraining her flailing arms so she doesn't hurt herself.

"Please... Vaughn... come get me... where are you... my... guardian angel... NO! Don't. ...please... just leave me alone... no... no! Really? If my name is Julia Thorne, then how come my name is Sydney Bristow? ...no... stop... Aaah! No. Please... no more... Vaughn, where are you... I need you... not... dead... I'm not dead... please... love... you..."

I suddenly stop moving. Stop breathing. Oh... oh, my God. Is she... remembering? That sounds like she's being tortured and calling out to Vaughn... it sounds like she knows he thinks she's dead. But she didn't remember anything from the last two years... how is she suddenly having a nightmare about it?

"SYD! WAKE UP!" I shout at her, shaking her shoulders a little harder to get her to wake up. Her nightmare sounds intense, and she's started just screaming. She needs to wake up. And after I calm her down, I need to ask her some questions.

She suddenly goes still... I take a few seconds to breathe, and luckily I move off of her, because mere moments later, she bolts upright in her bed, fully awake, and just starts sobbing.

"Hey, Syd. Come here. It's okay. Whatever you're seeing... it's not real... you're home... I'm going to take care of you. Okay?"

She simply whimpers in response, and nuzzles her head into my shirt, soaking it with her tears. Comfort now, I'll ask my questions tomorrow... and I rock her back to sleep and go back to sleep on the couch.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:**I'm not really certain what tense I want this all in right now… so while the last chapter was mostly one long recap with the narration in present tense, I think I'm scaling the narration into past tense... I think it sounds better that way, for some reason. But please let me know if it gets hard to follow or anything.   
And the **disclaimer** is the same… I don't own anything pertaining to Alias except for my own imagination and my DVD's.

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To my reviewer:   
elle-j: Thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot to me. Sorry that there's not going to be much more follow Weiss' perspective. I don't know how much I want to be switching from point-of-view to point-of-view, so I might just keep it as a third person narration from this point forward. But that's yet to be decided.

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** Chapter 2: Flashes of the Past… and the Truth **

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Weiss awoke to the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. 'I guess that must mean it's morning,' he thought while trying to bury himself further beneath the blankets and groaning. 

"Rise and shine, sleepy!" Sydney's chipper voice startled him from the kitchen bench and made him wish she'd chosen to sleep in.

"Good God, woman! How can you be so happy right now?" He asked incredulously, while finally pulling himself into a sitting position to look over at her. She was showered, fully dressed, with her hair and make up fixed like usual, sitting at the kitchen counter. She was nursing what, he assumed, had to be at least her second cup of coffee of the morning, reading the paper and balancing her checkbook. 'Right,' he chuckled to himself, 'leave it to a spy to multitask.' "Syd, what time is it?"

"Oh, it's only 5:30. I got up early, couldn't really go back to sleep, so I decided to make my coffee and get a head start on the day… but then I realized there wasn't a whole lot to get a head start on. Is that bad?"

Weiss just stared at her.

"Weiss? You there?"

"…You mean I'm awake at 5:30 in the morning for no reason… why… why would you wake me up? We don't have to be at work for another three hours!"

"I had to wake you up because you were snoring so loudly."

Weiss just let out a grunt. "Fine. But I need a cup of coffee. A really big one." He normally would've made some witty comment about getting such little appreciation for staying with her all night, but he figured that the three hours before work could be put to use. Maybe he could find out what she was dreaming last night… what she knew.

Before he even had time to collect his thoughts, Sydney had already placed a large mug of coffee, just the way he likes it with three sugars and a lot of cream, on a coaster on the coffee table in front of him, and she was sitting next to him on the couch. She turned on the news, and they sipped their coffee while watching in a somewhat companionable silence. Though there was a slight difference today than when they were usually together… the air seemed almost… stiff. That's when Weiss realized that Sydney remembered her nightmare, and she remembered Weiss being there afterwards. She knew he was worried, and that he was going to be curious about what happened… and she was preparing herself.

Weiss decided that his curiosity was eating at him, and since she was expecting questions anyway, that he would just break all of the tension and bring a whole new tension into the room by just asking. "Syd, what happened last night?"

Even though they both knew better, she still tried to cover it up. "What do you mean? I had a nightmare…"

"Well, that part was obvious, Syd. I mean, you were talking in your sleep. The things you were saying…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Do… do you… I mean… do you…" he had no idea why it was so hard to just ask her this question. Maybe it was that he hoped, in a way, that she didn't remember everything. From just those few lines of broken nightmare-speak, it sounded like whatever she went through wasn't something you want to remember. He realized she was staring at him intently. She remembered him telling her nothing was real, but he suddenly became aware that she probably didn't know that she'd been talking in her sleep. "Syd, do you remember what happened to you? During, you know… those two years… do you remember it? Because… I mean… it's just that… you were talking in your sleep… when I was… trying to wake you… and I guess… I don't know… it sounded like you remember things."

Weiss just stared back at her, but she quickly shifted her gaze to the mug in her hands. He knew Sydney – he was expecting her to tell him that whatever she dreamt wasn't his business, even if they are friends. He thought she might get frustrated that she couldn't remember anything from two years of her life. Her response was nothing like any of the scenarios he'd expected. She simply sighed.

And not just any sigh. This was one of those sighs that rattles the air around anyone close. This was a sigh full of emotion, and yet vacant of any ability to express them. This was a defeated sigh. Totally not Sydney Bristow.

"Syd… what's going on?"

She sighed again. He thought to himself that maybe this is all this morning would amount to. His questions and her sighs that seemed to completely drain her. But then she caught him offguard again.

"Weiss… if I tell you… if I tell you what I know… I'll be breaking federal laws. I mean, I really want to tell you… Hell, I really want to tell anyone. You, my dad… Vaughn. Actually, I really don't want to tell Vaughn. I really don't want Vaughn to find out. But if I tell you, I need to know that it will stay between us. We can't talk about it at work, we can't make phone calls about it. We have to be careful who overhears us if we talk about it. Because as long as the Covenant is still a threat, they can't know that I remember. And as long as Kendall still works with the Department of Special Research, he can't know that I've told anyone. I just need to know that you get that."

"Hey, Sydney. Confidentiality. Classified information. Central Intelligence, remember? I get it all. I know how to keep things secret. After this, we won't talk about it ever again… unless we need to… and even then, I'll make sure we're alone. Kendall won't find out… what does he have to do with this anyways?"

"I'll tell you that in a minute. But there's another thing. I don't want Vaughn to find out. I mean it. Never. It'll just make him feel guilty or something… and for some reason, whenever he feels guilty about me, something ends up happening between us… something that he takes back the next day. And I really can't deal with that right now."

"What do you mean he'll feel guilty, Syd?"

"You'll understand when I'm done telling you the whole story. Just promise me. Promise me no one else will ever find out. Promise me you won't let it slip to anyone. Especially Vaughn."

"Hey, Syd. You're one of my best friends. You know you can trust me. I promise."

"Thanks. And another thing – the story… it's kind of hard to relive… and it's kind of hard to hear… and I just… I care about you… so I want to make sure you're prepared."

"I am here for you, Sydney. You need to let out whatever you're holding onto, because otherwise it's going to suffocate you."

"Thanks." She paused for a second. "Hold on a minute. I'm just going to grab a box of Kleenex."

He watched her get up and go back to her bedroom with her shoulders slightly hunched. He knew whatever this was, whatever she remembered, it was going to be big. He grabbed the remote to turn off the television, and then made sure to arrange the pillows and the blanket so that they could comfortably sit on the couch together, and be facing each other. He wanted to give her his full attention. He didn't have to wait long before she was back, box of Kleenex in hand, and changed back out of her work suit. She smiled at him, a silent thank-you for fixing the pillows and the blanket, and he smiled back, letting her know he'd wait until she was ready to start talking. It didn't take long for her to get ready.

"Kendall was actually the one who told me. That night we stopped the fertilization, I had been gone all day. It wasn't exactly a voluntary vacation day or anything. In the middle of the night, I heard noises in the house, and when I went to go check them out, I was caught offguard and tranquilized. I woke up on a plane, with Kendall sitting a few seats away from me, watching me."

She chuckled slightly. "At first, I actually accused him of being Covenant. Like it suddenly all made sense. But he just laughed about how bad that would be. You know, Kendall's a lot of things, but he's no traitor. He said that, in fact, he was never FBI; he's always been DSR. He was the head of some project, Project Blackhole, which was a team within the DSR dedicated entirely to Rambaldi. I just want to state that I hate Rambaldi more than anything. The idea that things he predicted actually happen, that I'm some pawn in his game, and that so many brilliant people have dedicated their lives and their careers to finding more about him… it all just makes me sick. But there he was, Kendall… in all his glory… telling me that he's DSR.

"He really only came to me because the box had been snatched, en route, by the Covenant. I didn't get how that was a reason, except that the box had something to do with me. Then he dropped the biggest bombshell ever. He told me that he knew where I'd been those two years. He knew what I'd been up to. I'd been in contact with him. He knew everything, and he'd never told me.

"I got really angry at him when I found out that he'd known what had happened to me, but had never bothered to tell me. But then, and this was even worse, he said that he didn't tell me because I had asked him not to. He told me he had respected it until that point, because it's what I wanted, but that I needed to know. And he knew me; he recognized I would eventually be desperate to know what had happened.

"I had to be given clearance, of all things. Clearance to find out about my own life. That made me a little bitter but at least I was finding out. And that's when he started telling the story. He said he was telling me in the same exact words I had used to tell him the story. That sounded so ridiculous, since I couldn't remember. But I know it's all the truth, because since that night… since Kendall told me, I've started to remember it all. I've started to see it in my nightmares. The same nightmares that led me to that apartment I had in Rome… they were my memories resurfacing."

Weiss was focusing on Sydney's words, as well as on reminding himself to breathe. She hadn't even gotten to the bulk of the story, and already, it was intense. Kendall had known? Who else knew? What did he tell her? What did she remember?

"He told me how everyone had thought I was dead. They'd found the body in my apartment, with my DNA. He'd been at my funeral service and watched Vaughn spread my ashes. That part I knew. But what I didn't know was that nine months after my death, I contacted Kendall. Obviously, he was surprised. Dead people can't make phone calls, and he immediately thought about Project Helix, I'm sure. But I was verified. I called him from Rome. So he came to me. I told him I'd just escaped the Covenant, and that I wanted to come home.

"I told him the story leading up to the day I called. I told him what happened in those nine months after I shot Allison Doren and then passed out on my bedroom floor. The next time I woke up, I was in a van. I was with that man, Oleg. The one I killed when I came back. The one who told me I kept my promise to kill him. When I woke up in the van, Oleg told me that we were going to be working together. He injected me with a neurotoxin to temporarily paralyze me. Then he tilted the table I was strapped to so that I could see out of the van's rear window. He told me how it had been easy enough to just unearth Francie and replace Allison with her. He told me that they'd then found a body and extracted pulp from my teeth and injected it into the body's teeth, officially 'killing' Sydney Bristow. I wouldn't have believed him… except that what I was watching from the rear window…" she paused for a second to dab at some tears, "…I was watching my own funeral. I saw everyone. I saw my dad, Kendall, you, Marshall, Dixon, the priest, and I saw Vaughn throwing my ashes out to the tide. I remember that couldn't move… that I wanted to. I was trying to fight against the restraints, kill Oleg for making me watch and for helping hurt all of you… I didn't want to see you bury me… I didn't want to see all of you so sad… but the neurotoxin made it so I couldn't move, couldn't fight. All I could do… was watch.

"Oleg only moved me once, to turn my head towards Vaughn's car. We were parked right next to him. I saw you go up to him and give him a hug. I cried. Oleg said to me that 'he will mourn, and he will move on'… I didn't believe him. I was just sad that I didn't have Vaughn right then, and that Vaughn was so grief-stricken. I wanted to scream 'I'm here, come get me. Don't cry.' But I couldn't. I could only see him. Oleg then looked at me and said 'Sydney Bristow is dead.'"

Sydney took a few moments to collect herself, she was starting to cry more freely. Weiss just put a hand on top of her trembling one, and told her it's okay.

"After that… they tortured me. Well, they would call it brainwashing. I would call it torture. They tried to make me become Julia Thorne. This imaginary woman they'd created, who could use the skills of Sydney Bristow to do terrible things. Julia Thorne was supposed to be an assassin with no emotional ties. I never became Julia Thorne. For months, they tried. They beat me, they electroshocked me, they drugged me, they used sensory deprivation, they starved me, they submerged me in water so I'd feel like I was drowning. They did everything. They even used love against me. Every time they'd finish a torture session, Oleg would say, 'Your name is Julia Thorne,' and every time I would have to use any strength I had left to spit out 'Then why is my name Sydney Bristow?' But whenever I said that, they'd remind me that Sydney Bristow was dead. That her loved ones had accepted her death, and were moving on. They'd remind me that no one was coming for me. No one was coming to rescue Sydney. Only Julia existed."

Sydney tried stifling her sobs, but it didn't work. Eric moved closer towards her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders, as she laid her head on his shoulder, just sobbing. He tried to rub the goosebumps from telling the story out of her arms, only to realize that he, too, had goosebumps. He knew no form of physical torture could really break Sydney Bristow. It was the emotional torture.

"Syd, it's okay. Take your time. I'm here for you."

She took a deep and shaky breath before continuing. "I didn't tell Kendall this part, but at night… well, who knows if it was night or day… there were never any windows. But at night, they'd taunt me with food only to take it before I could reach it. But that wasn't even the worst part. I laid in a cold cement cell for months, in between torture sessions, and I would fight sleep. Because whenever I slept, all I saw was Vaughn. Every time I closed my eyes, I relived every moment I've known him in just the flash of mere seconds. And in my stupor, I'd cry out his name. I'd beg for him to come save me. I always thought we had this connection – that we would _feel_ if one of us died. I knew he was alive because I could still feel his life breathe through me. And I hoped that he felt the same for me… because I thought that then he'd know I was alive… he'd know to look for me… and he'd come get me. I saw my funeral, I know what everyone thought. But I also knew I was alive… living in Hell… every day… I just wanted… I wanted for my guardian angel to come take me away from it all.

"They'd hear me at night… and they'd use that against me during my torture the next day. They heard me begging Vaughn to save me… they heard me telling him I'm still alive… they heard me… they heard me saying how much I love him… and while they were electroshocking me, they'd tell me how he probably had another woman in his bed. They'd tell me how he was never coming for me. They'd tell me I was not going to be saved. But worst of all, they'd tell me how no man could ever love Sydney Bristow back because Sydney Bristow was dead.

"After a few months, I realized that the only way I was ever going to walk out of there alive was to convince them that I really did believe I was Julia Thorne. Kendall told me my father's Project Christmas training was what kept me from being brainwashed. I guess that's the one good thing about being trained to be a spy by your father. So after awhile, when they'd ask me questions, I'd start to answer them like Julia Thorne would. I'd do a little more each day, so it'd be convincing how I was progressing. One day, they gave me the ultimate test. McKennus Cole, that guy that broke into SD-6 one day, he was at the head of the table. My first job as assassin Julia Thorne was to kill a man he deemed unimportant. And… I did it. I traded his life for my own. And I'm not sure I'll ever forgive myself. With most of my memories coming back to me, something I remember is his face right before I stabbed him, and the feel of his blood on my hands. I remember having to hide my own face of absolute disgust with myself… and pretend that I was happy to be doing what I was doing. That man who rigged the explosive on the plane with Vaughn and Sark, and the one in the JTF, he wanted revenge because the Covenant ordered Julia Thorne to kill his brother. I killed his brother. And we all almost paid the price for it…"

She trailed off, again unable to control her crying for a few moments. Weiss didn't know what to do. He knew that Sydney, under her alias, had killed that man. But he didn't realize how much doing so had affected her. The man she killed was technically a bad guy – he was also a terrorist. And it was something she needed to do… he saw no fault in her. And he decided he had to tell her that.

"Sydney. You know… he was a terrorist. And if you didn't kill him… they just would've done it anyways. That man was doomed to death, with or without you. And at least, by doing it, you weren't killed yourself."

"Tha-thanks. I mean… I… I… I know… it's just hard… to think about…"

"I know, Syd. It'll be okay."

She calmed down enough to keep speaking. "So, then, they let me go off as Julia Thorne, to await contact from them. I immediately took the opportunity to contact Kendall, and met up with him. I told him how much I wanted to go home. I asked him how everyone was. I knew Francie was dead, but I was so happy to hear that Will made it out… even if he did have to go into Witness Protection. He told me that I needed to continue my cover as Julia Thorne. That I needed to stay as a double in the Covenant. I was a double in SD-6, and I knew what that life feels like, so I argued with him. They didn't need me to infiltrate the Covenant. He told me how, though it was an emerging threat, the Covenant had the potential to be more dangerous than the Alliance. At the time, I really didn't care. I just wanted to see everyone. I asked to see my dad, but he was in deep cover. So then I asked about Vaughn. I wanted to make sure he was taking care of himself. And Kendall told me, that if I really cared about these people, I wouldn't try to contact them. That it'd be a danger to them. And he even suggested that nine months after I disappeared, things could be different. He suggested that Vaughn - _my_ Vaughn – may have moved on.

"But just as when the Covenant had suggested it, though the idea broke my heart… I knew better. I knew Vaughn would never just give up on me. He wouldn't have moved on in only nine months. And though I never wanted Kendall to know anything about my personal life, I looked him dead in the eye and said, 'He loves me. Nine months is nothing.' And then I left to go see Vaughn."

Sydney was starting to get choked up again. And suddenly, it hit Weiss like a mack truck. Nine months. Nine months after Sydney disappeared. Nine months that she waited for Vaughn, that she continued to love him, that _they_ used her love against her… and she still didn't feel phased by it… she still wanted to see him… for him to hold her and tell her he loved her. But after those same nine months… he was with Lauren. Lauren. Shit, she didn't see them together, did she? He couldn't imagine what that would've felt like. But nine months. The timing was too terrible… no forgiving deity would ever allow for Sydney to reemerge only to find the love of her life with another woman. Though, he realized, that's exactly what happened after two years… Weiss couldn't think about it any longer, because Sydney started to tell the rest of her story.

"I drove to Vaughn's apartment. What's weird is that I had never been inside, but it felt right to be there. I knew Kendall was mad at me. I knew that it would've been the right thing to do, for my country, if I hadn't tried to make contact with Vaughn, and went right back to the Covenant like Kendall wanted. But my heart… my heart had been absolutely denied… and I needed to see him. …I saw him pull up to his apartment, and I remember smiling really widely to see him step out of the car, ready to approach him. But then… then… I saw… he was… well… Lauren stepped out of the passenger side door…"

'Oh, no,' Weiss thought, 'please tell me that didn't happen. Please tell me she didn't really see them together.'

"…I saw him kiss her… I saw them enter his apartment together… And then I saw a Covenant car drive by his apartment… That's when I realized Kendall was right. Not only was my being around putting Vaughn in danger, but he had also moved on. So I called Kendall up and tell him that I'd do whatever he wanted… and that's how it started. I was Julia Thorne. You know they had me work with Simon Walker. I'd wait for some assignment from the Covenant, and just like the old days, I'd dead drop information or anything that Kendall wanted, and someone from the CIA would pick it up. Instead of Vaughn being my handler, Kendall was… if you'd believe that. We'd set up meets and 'countermissions' to try to cripple the Covenant.

"One day, my task was to assassinate Lazarey. So I went to the CIA, and we staged his death. He was also a Rambaldi follower, and as it turns, we needed his possessions to help us find the box with the Rambaldi tissue. So instead of killing him and stealing the keys we needed, he and I started to work together. We decided to find the box together. The whole thing with his hand was an accident. We had to use several keys simultaneously to get to the box… but when we did, one key wouldn't stick, so he held onto it… but then the cave started to collapse and his hand was stuck. So the only way to save his life… was to cut it off. We found the box, and it was my job to deliver it to Kendall… but instead of giving him the box, I dead dropped a DVD instead. He showed it to me.

"I was so lost in the DVD. I thanked him for being a good friend to me over my year and a half as a double agent within the Covenant. I also told him that the reason I didn't deliver the box was because I hid it instead. Because we couldn't trust that it wouldn't be stolen, and we both knew that couldn't happen. It couldn't happen because we'd already known about the prophecy… that the Chosen one would bring forth Rambaldi's second coming by way of a child. That's why I have this scar on my abdomen," she cries, lifting up her shirt to reveal the scar, "it's why they brainwashed me to become someone else afterwards. They took my eggs… they violated me… and they didn't want me to remember or fight back. So I hid the box instead of delivering it. And I told Kendall that I was having a surgery done to erase the last two years of my life. I _chose_ to do the surgery. I should've thought of that ahead of time. How I'd come back my old stubborn self wanting to know what had happened to me, and to my life. But I didn't. I begged him never to tell me what happened. It was too painful to have to remember.

"So I did it. And when I came back, well, you know how it's been. And the Covenant, well, I guess they found Lazarey's hand… they knew I'd be curious, so they planted these clues to get me to lead them to the box… And then even though I got it before them, they still stole it from the CIA, just like I thought they would. That's why we went on that mission that night… to stop the fertilization. Kendall had told me the story knowing my personality and because he needed to tell me so I could help… because the fertilization was directly involving me."

She took a long pause, and sighed, as if debating whether she should continue with her next thought. Weiss knew… she was afraid of who else would hear this part.

"Sydney, I promised. I won't tell a soul. Just tell me what's on your mind. You're okay here, I'm here. It's okay."

"I know… it's not about telling you. It's about… having to say it outloud at all. But I've come this far, right? And I trust you… …I guess it's just… ever since Kendall told me, I've been having these nightmares. These nightmares which aren't even dreams at some point… they're flashbacks. I'm suddenly remembering in stark detail everything that happened. It's why I couldn't tell you what the nightmares were about. I remember all of the torture, I remember faking deaths, and actually killing, I remember Simon Walker and how he thought I was attracted to him… I remember working with Kendall, I remember being a double agent, I remember always watching my back worried that the Covenant was going to realize what was happening… but the parts I remember the most… the parts I wish I didn't remember… I remember holding onto this hope that Vaughn was going to rescue me, I remember dreaming of him at night, I remember whispering to nothingness how much I love him, I remember calling out to him, I remember defying the Covenant and Kendall when they told me he'd move on… and I remember seeing him with her when I came back… nine months after I went missing… nine months of loving him… nine months of thinking he'd be there for me… and I remember having to be a double agent without the strength that he always provided me when I was working for SD-6…"

"You know, you're right. He would feel guilty."

Sydney chuckled in spite of her pain, in spite of her tears.

"But Sydney, I think he _should_ feel guilty. You know, I wanted him to move on with his life… meaning that I wanted him to live again. I wanted him to be happy, even if you weren't there. But I didn't want him to find another woman within a year. He rushed that. He did. And the idea that you waited for him all of that time, that you never gave up on him, that you had so much faith in him… he should feel guilty. And you know, I love him and he's my best friend, but that doesn't change the fact that nine months later, you should've been able to run into his arms and tell him how much you love him and have him say it back. Hell, even now, that should be what happens. I'm sorry, Syd. I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that and that none of us can help you."

Sydney, crying into Weiss' shirt ever since she stopped talking, hugging him tightly, looked up enough to whisper, "You've helped me more than you know. Thank you so much for being my friend, Eric."

He just hugged her back. "Hey, it's my pleasure."

After a few moments of them silently sitting there, as Sydney's tears settled and Eric wiped a few of his own tears that had fallen during her story, Weiss pulled away. "Hey, Syd, you okay?"

And she smiled at him. A small, weak smile, but a genuine one nonetheless. "Actually, yes. Thank you. It feels so good to finally get that off my chest. I want to tell my dad, too, but… I think, instead, I'm just going to have him read the file on me. The file that is technically 'Classified,' but once the Covenant becomes less of a threat, Kendall said he'd make it available. I feel like if I told him all that I just told you, he'd have Kendall killed, Vaughn killed, and somehow find McKennus Cole and have him killed too."

Weiss laughed. "You're probably right. You rock, you know that right?"

She laughed. "Thanks."

Looking at the clock, Sydney let out a sigh. "Damn, it's already 7:15. I've been talking for almost two hours. Go. Get ready for work."

Sydney walked him to the door, and hugged him again. "You know you're one of my best friends and that I love you, right?"

"Hey, Syd, you too."

They smiled at each other, falling into an easy conversation about possibly getting some buffalo wings for dinner and watching a sappy chick flick. Sydney was in the mood, and even Weiss was feeling in the need for some kind of movie-romance. They were interrupted by the beeping of Sydney's phone. She went to go grab it and brought it over to the door. Her face showed confusion when she looked at the screen.

"It's a text message from Vaughn… he's asking me and my dad to meet him on the roof before work. He says it's important. That's weird… do you know what that's about?"

"Seriously, I have no clue. I'd say it's about Lauren, but that seems unlikely. He was suspicious and tapped a phone call yesterday, but then she explained how she'd gotten in a fight with her mom or something like that. I don't know, I agree with you that something's shady, but I doubt Vaughn's really looked into it any further. Maybe he just wants to apologize for yelling at you guys…"

"Well, my dad's going to be unhappy. He's trying to find out more about The Passenger right now. This is going to cut into his investigating time. Oh, hey, sorry. I know we were going to grab breakfast on the way to work today, but I guess I can't now."

"Hey, Syd, don't worry about it. Go see what Vaughn wants, and I'll talk to you at the Rotunda."

And with one final hug, Weiss walked over the few doors to his own house to get read for work, while Sydney cleaned herself up, got dressed again, and made her way towards the Rotunda for her early impromptu meeting with Vaughn and her father.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3**

Vaughn stood on the roof of the JTF, overlooking the rest of Los Angeles. His mind was full of information he now possessed, but wished he didn't.

'How could I not have seen this? She used me. That bitch used me. I. Hate. Her. She deceived me. And I fell for it. And they knew. Jack and Sydney knew. They were right.' His thoughts were racing while he waited for his meeting with the Bristows. 'I was so harsh towards them when they brought it up… Jack may have deserved some of that, but Sydney… God, Syd. I am so sorry.'

Vaughn had been thinking about her all night. About them. Him and his Sydney. It had been like those months after he'd lost her – all he could remember were the moments they had shared together. They had been so happy – so in love.

'I'm _still_ in love with her. I've been an idiot to keep trying to ignore it ever since she came back. Hell, I've been trying to ignore it since she went missing.'

And, suddenly, like the night before, Vaughn's thoughts of happier times were replaced by memories of the past year. The stolen kiss, the broken promises, the denial of his love for her, his return to his wife's arms while a heartbroken Sydney watched, his attempt to be loyal and honorable at the cost of his beloved, and with all of those memories came the most prominent one – the broken and haunted look that had unfairly clouded Sydney's beautiful face since the second he'd told her he was married.

'I broke her. I've been the cause of her pain this entire year. She's tried to be strong and hide it, but she couldn't. Not from me.'

He wanted to cry. Not over Lauren. That utmost betrayal by his wife hadn't hurt him. After all, while she'd been there for him, he'd never loved her like he did Sydney. And, it appeared her intent from the beginning was to get him to trust her. She'd done her job well. No, he hadn't lost a love by finding out about Lauren. He'd lost his self-respect, a fake wife, and his ability to rationalize. He wasn't hurt by Lauren – he was livid.

No, he wanted to cry because of Sydney. Because of what he'd done to her. Because of what she'd been through because of him.

It was finally okay for him to love her again. Finally, he'd be able to tell her what he should've been saying since that night he saw her again in the safe house. She was the one. She was his life. But what if she was done? What if she wouldn't hear him out?

He knew how much it must have hurt her when he went back to Lauren after her father "committed suicide."

'God, I am so fucking stupid.'

Vaughn vowed two things to himself: He'd bring Lauren down and make sure she paid for her betrayal, and he'd do whatever it took to win back Sydney's heart and show her how much he loved her.

His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door to the roof opening and Sydney's and Jack's voices engaged in a hushed whisper.

**8 Hours Later**

Weiss sat there unable to fully grasp what he'd learned today. He was waiting for Vaughn. They had made plans to go back to Eric's house and regroup their thoughts in private, passing it off as a boys' night. They were supposedly watching hockey with a pizza and some beer. At least that's what Vaughn was telling Lauren.

Weiss looked next to him, where Sydney was at her desk packing up her briefcase. She had an unreadable expression on her face, and Weiss was worried about her. His every leftover fear had been realized when he met with Vaughn, Sydney, Jack, Dixon, and Marshall earlier that day for an impromptu private meeting.

_Flashback: 6 hours earlier _

_Weiss had been sitting at his desk, still reeling from his conversation with Syd. He wanted to get her the day off, buy her some ice cream, talk to Jack, and knock some sense into Vaughn. But he knew he couldn't do any of that. Sydney was needed at work and trying to stay strong, she said the file on her missing two years would soon be released to Jack, and he knew it wasn't his place to talk to Vaughn about what he'd been told. _

_He'd had a bad feeling all morning, though, and desperately wanted to know what had gone on in the meeting between Vaughn and the Bristows. He'd been contemplating all of the worst case scenarios, and the one that kept popping up in his mind was the idea that Lauren really is the Covenant mole. That would be disastrous to the people around him. _

_Weiss was still deep in thought when a solemn-looking Sydney came up to him and told him they were needed in Dixon's office. When he shot Sydney a questioning look, she only shook her head, saying, "He wants to talk to all of us about something." _

_In Dixon's office, Sydney and Jack stood next to each other, by Dixon's desk, arms folded over their chests, matching stoic expressions on their faces. But Sydney's eyes betrayed her sadness. Dixon sat at his desk, an unreadable expression on his face. Marshall, Weiss, and Vaughn, sat on the couch together, Vaughn in the middle pinching the bride of his nose, and Marshall nervously twiddling his thumbs while looking around the room. Weiss realized he and Marshall must have been wearing the same confused and worried expressions, since they seemed to be the only two in the room who didn't know what was going on. _

_"Agent Weiss, Marshall," Dixon started, "you two were brought in here as the only other senior officers who are to be privy to the information discussed in this room. First, let me tell you the new information we've learned today. As you both know, this office has been investigating the possible existence of a mole. When Senator Reed died, it appeared he was the mole from evidence we discovered after his death. However, since his death, there has been activity leading us to believe a mole still exists. Agents Bristow have had their suspicions, but those had yet to be confirmed." _

_Dixon paused, looking towards Vaughn, who was alternating between running his hand over his face and pinching the bridge of his nose. A deep fear settled in the pit of Weiss' stomach, and Marshall, still confused, was so nervous he was sweating. _

_Dixon continued. "Last night, Agent Vaughn found the evidence we needed. He found the wig, passport, and gun used by our mole to kill Cipher." _

_Marshall gave Vaughn a pat on the back. "Hey, man, that's great. Good investigating skills." _

_'Oh, boy,' thought Weiss, while trying to keep his nausea at bay, 'he's so clueless.' _

_"Marshall, Weiss, the mole is Lauren Reed. She is Covenant." _

_And with that statement, the air in the room suddenly got thicker and everyone's breathing took a pause. _

_"Oh… oh my… I mean… but she's…" Marshall was flustered. "Dude, Vaughn… I'm so… oh man…" _

_"Fuck," was the only response Weiss could muster up. _

_"Yea, guys, trust me. I know," Vaughn finally said. _

_Another silence. _

_Vaughn finally looked up – directly towards Sydney, who was staring down at her feet. "I should have known." That made Sydney look up and everyone watched as the two made eye contact. _

_"Agent Vaughn has been instructed to pretend like nothing is wrong." Jack Bristow's voice was almost menacing. For a second, Weiss wondered how he wasn't more sympathetic towards Vaughn. But then he remembered: Sydney. _

_He looked towards his friend, who'd already had an overwhelming day. She was staring back down at her feet, trying to keep on a brave face. Worried about her, his training came back in. "So what's the plan?" _

_"Well, like Jack said, Agent Vaughn is now to act exactly the same towards Miss Reed. We need to play her the way she has been playing us. It's the only way to get ahead of the Covenant. Jack has always been an excellent game strategist, so he's in charge of how we're currently handling Lauren." _

_Jack took over from there. "For today, Sydney, Vaughn, you tow will be tracking her. We've already bugged her phone without her knowing. This room has built-in signal jammers, but once you leave, all of you are to be swept for bugs and so are your homes. Only after these sweeps are you permitted to discuss this at all outside of this office, and even then, use discretion. We will act on all information we get from her, but the Covenant cannot find out about this." _

_Silence. A silence pregnant with tension. _

_"Um, guys?" If possible, Marshall was more nervous than before. "I just… um… first of all, Mr. Vaughn, you know… I'm really sorry. That really sucks… and you know, you can talk to me. But I just wanted to ask you guys… how long do you think this has been going on? What has she been responsible for?" _

_Weiss was holding his breath. 'Good question,' he thought. 'Too bad the answers are obvious, and it's bad.' Weiss knew that if Lauren was a bad guy, then she had always been a bad guy. He wasn't sure that Sydney's heart could take the facts that came with Lauren being a bad guy all this time. And he knew Vaughn couldn't take it. 'Vaughn's going to be angry like Jack. But Jack loved Laura Bristow. Vaughn doesn't love Lauren – he misses Sydney. That's a whole different anger. Because now, in addition to keeping him from the one he does love, Lauren's also a terrorist? Yea, we're going to have to talk. He definitely can't handle this one on his own.' His thoughts were interrupted by Dixon answering Marshall's question. _

_"It would appear Miss Reed was sent in by the Covenant. She conducted the investigation after Sydney… went missing. We believe she was the one who conducted the investigation to make sure we never discovered the truth that Sydney was alive. She also immediately went for Agent Vaughn, but gave him the space to make him trust her motives. That was probably planned." _

_"She talked me into coming back to the CIA." Vaughn let out a chuckle in spite of himself. "I totally fell for it. She knew Sydney was alive, and pretended to be there for me while I grieved. It's why I liked her. And she got me back into the CIA, and herself the NSC liaison here, to get secrets." _

_"Vaughn, I know it's hard for you, but you must focus. Lauren has been responsible for a lot of damage since she's been here. Helping with getting Sydney out of prison, helping me get my children back, her investigation into Julia Thorne – that all was just to maintain our trust. You must maintain hers now. She will be brought down. Because of her, the Covenant has been ahead of us all year. She was probably the reason your plane crashed in North Korea. We think she was the one who killed Lazarey. And, what's shocking is it seems, now that Senator Reed is exonerated, that Lauren was involved in her own father's death and planted evidence against him to clear herself of suspicion. With all of that – the way she has been toying with this office… we will bring her down." _

_"I understand, Sir." _

_"That goes for the rest of you, as well – Sydney, Marshall, and Weiss. You are to maintain your composure and consistent behavior towards Lauren. Is that understood?" _

_The three looked at each other, nodding. "Yes, Sir." _

_"Okay, Marshall. Do a bug sweep. You guys are dismissed. Good luck." _

_End Flashback _

After the meeting, Weiss immediately sent Vaughn an email to watch the Kings game he'd taped from the night before over dinner. Luckily, Vaughn knew what he really meant, and when he received the email, he made eye contact with Weiss and gave a little nod.

Weiss watched Vaughn as he painfully said goodbye to Lauren, kissing her on the cheek. After Vaughn watched her walk away, he slumped over to where Weiss and Sydney were both almost done packing up to go home. He stared at the back of Sydney for a little while, as she busied herself with anything but looking back at him, and after awhile, the two said goodnight to her and left for Weiss' house.

Vaughn and Weiss decided to both take Vaughn's car to get to Eric's house. That way Vaughn could drive home afterwards and Weiss could just get a ride with Sydney to the JTF in the morning. They sat in silence the entire way back. Weiss wasn't sure what to say to Vaughn, and they were both worried about Sydney for different reasons. They got to Eric's house after about 20 minutes, and Weiss told Vaughn to make himself comfortable as he changed out of his work clothes.

On his way back to the living room, Weiss grabbed a few beers and a bag of chips out of the kitchen. He found Vaughn – jacket off, tie loosened, sleeves rolled up – sitting on his couch with his shoulders slumped and staring at the television which was still off. Weiss plopped down next to him, put the beer and chips on the coffee table, and leaned back while propping up his feet.

"Mike, dude, I'm sorry. I know that doesn't help, and I know that this is a shitastic situation. Tell me what you need me to do for you. I'm here to listen, help out, and get you drunk." Vaughn cracked half a smile at Weiss' last suggestion, much to Weiss' relief, but he was still slumped and staring ahead. "Mike?"

"Do you know what I've been thinking about all day?" Suddenly, Vaughn was staring back at Eric, fully attentive. Eric promised himself to be the best friend he could be and just listen until Vaughn wanted help – if he wanted any.

"What have you been thinking?"

"I spent the entire day thinking about the first month of mine and Lauren's relationship. But do you know what I was thinking about it?"

"I don't know. Were you thinking it was a happier time?"

"No, not at all. And that's the surprise. I spent all that time telling myself I was doing the healthy thing, moving on with my life. But I've been comparing Lauren to Sydney since Day 1. You know, I remember consciously thinking that Lauren was just the rebound for that entire first month. But one day, she said she loved me… and I felt bad not saying it back… so I did. I knew it wasn't right, and I knew I didn't really mean it, but I said it. And after that, I managed to manipulate myself into believing that. But I really don't. I remember struggling with trying to get myself to believe it, and I guess as time wore on, I'd forgotten about that whole struggle. It's not just because my wife is a traitor. Ever since Sydney came back, I'll remember these moments when the thought that my relationship with Lauren was a lie would pop into my head. That entire first month, the first 'I love you,' the first time we slept together, when I proposed, my wedding day – in the back of my mind, I thought it all those times. Why didn't I ever listen? I mean, I knew it was too soon. I knew! But I just kept lying to myself. And by doing that, I was helping Lauren with her task – her task to seduce me. I helped that bitch. I hate her!

I hate her for taking my work from me – my credibility as an agent. I hate her for knowing how to use my emotions. She used my grief, my sorrow. She used me for information. I hate her. I hate that I fell for it – her innocent act. I hate that I felt some need to be loyal to her. I hate that she's my wife. I hate that her phony insecurity played on my loyalty and made me act coldly towards Sydney. I hate that I defended her to Sydney. I hate that she's the one I wake up to. I hate that I went back to her. And I hate how I let her make me felt guilty for being in love with Sydney!

And for the love of God, what about Sydney? I've been a completely bastard to her. Some of the things I said to her… I mean, I told her I don't regret moving on with my life! And I knew when I said that that I was fucking lying to myself. So why did I say that! And there are things I've done that only hurt her. Did you know I kissed her in North Korea? I kissed her. And I tried to tell her I love her, but she wouldn't hear me out. Not like I can blame her… the second we came back, I went right back to the bitch and pretended nothing happened.

You should have heard her the night I called her to tell her I was staying with Lauren. I know she cried. She couldn't even stay on the phone with me. And before that, when I told her we were separating in the first place, she told me that the hope mine and Lauren's separation gave her for us was what scared her. She was scared to have hope for our future. And then I had to go and bring her feat to life. I mean, can she still have hope?

And when she tried tot ell me Lauren might be the mole, I practically accused her of being jealous! And I rubbed in the fact that Lauren is my wife. What the hell am I going to do? She was right! Not just about that. She was right when she first came back. I did give up on her. On us. Jack went to prison because he wouldn't believe she was dead and turned to a woman he can barely stand to help him find her. And what did I do? I got married. Eric, tell me what I'm supposed to do."

Weiss was just observing and listening carefully to Vaughn. He wanted to make sure he was supportive, but he still had to be honest.

"Look, Mike. You are my friend. You are a great guy, and I love you. You cannot blame yourself for believing Lauren was a good person. None of us knew she was Covenant. I mean, in the past few months, I've thought of her as a bitch, but not a terrorist. You're no less of an agent for marrying her and believing her. So don't blame yourself for her being Covenant and for her lying and helping them get ahead of us.

As for that stuff you said about Sydney… frankly, I've already heard about what you told me from her. So I know. I know about North Korea, the airport escape to Italy, her going to see you to tell you to come back to the CIA, her speech about you giving up, the parking lot after that bomb scare, your phone call that night, and her attempt to talk to you about Lauren being the mold. And you know what? You're right. You've really hurt her, and she has pretty much lost hope. I'm telling you because you deserve to know that if you want her back, you're going to prove it to her. You owe her that."

"I know, man. I know. Can I ask you something? Two things really… these are just things I've been thinking about. Do you think… well, first, you know, she can't remember the last two years. Do you think she missed me? Do you think she came back for me? And… I need you to be honest. If the situation were reversed, do you think she would have moved on?"

To be continued…


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:**

So I decided, 4 years later, that I should finish this story because it is still on my computer. I have had this chapter written for the last 4 years, and now it's time to bring the whole thing to a close – b/c I miss my Alias and I mean, why not, right? Nice little creative project on the side of my life.

So if there are still people who read this – I hope to have the whole thing done by the end of September. Thanks for sticking around!

This chapter (4) is a little shorter than usual, but it's kind of to finish off the conversation from Chapter 3. Chapter 5 will be essentially pick up 2 weeks later, and then we'll get even heavier into the story. Thanks for being…. patient! Review these chapters please! I like the commentary – it helps me figure out where I'm going with this, or what works and what doesn't…

_**CHAPTER 4:**_

_Weiss was just observing and listening carefully to Vaughn. He wanted to make sure he was supportive, but he still had to be honest. _

_"Look, Mike. You are my friend. You are a great guy, and I love you. You cannot blame yourself for believing Lauren was a good person. None of us knew she was Covenant. I mean, in the past few months, I've thought of her as a bitch, but not a terrorist. You're no less of an agent for marrying her and believing her. So don't blame yourself for her being Covenant and for her lying and helping them get ahead of us. _

_As for that stuff you said about Sydney... frankly, I've already heard about what you told me from her. So I know. I know about North Korea, the airport escape to Italy, her going to see you to tell you to come back to the CIA, her speech about you giving up, the parking lot after that bomb scare, your phone call that night, and her attempt to talk to you about Lauren being the mold. And you know what? You're right. You've really hurt her, and she has pretty much lost hope. I'm telling you because you deserve to know that if you want her back, you're going to have to prove it to her. You owe her that." _

_"I know, man. I know. Can I ask you something? Two things really... these are just things I've been thinking about. Do you think... well, first, you know, she can't remember the last two years. Do you think she missed me? Do you think she came back for me? And... I need you to be honest. If the situation were reversed, do you think she would have moved on?"_

"Vaughn, you can't seriously be asking me these questions… what does it even matter what I think?"

"Weiss, all I've ever… wanted… all I ever thought I needed to do was to make my father proud. He was an excellent agent who followed the rules and was passionate about his work. That's something I was always good at – being an agent. He also had the family – the loving wife and son… and yes, part of me wanted that, too… but that wasn't as much of a concern… because I know he just wanted me to keep good morals and be happy… and I was happy enough doing what I was doing. And then… one day… Sydney walked into my life… and all of the sudden, I didn't want to be a good agent just for the sake of being a good agent. I wanted to be a good agent in order to keep her safe. Out of nowhere, I started to picture that family, with a wife to go home to, and our children. And it was always Sydney I saw. No one knows this, but I was going to propose in Santa Barbara, did you know that? I mean, you saw how happy I was when we were together, and you saw how it destroyed me when I thought she died. I just need to know what you think… because… because I need to know there's still hope for us… that there's still a chance she'll forgive me. I moved on… I was dating in less than a year… that's… I think back to after she lost Danny, and though I know she already had feelings for me, she still didn't move on… didn't show it… and I think it was because she felt guilty… I can't change the fact that I moved on… but maybe if there's a chance that she'd do the same in my situation… maybe if there's a chance she wouldn't have waited or gone searching either… then maybe I can make her forgive me. And maybe… I need some justification… because even if she was pretending to be Julia Thorne or whatever she was doing, she was still my Sydney when she was missing…. So if she never came back for me, maybe that means she kind of lost faith too…"

Weiss was at a complete loss for words. Part of him wanted to plant a right hook square in his friend's dimpled jaw. 'How can he be looking for some kind of absolution…' He wanted to set him straight – to let him know everything that would make him realize he was being an ass and needed to just focus on apologizing and loving Sydney. Because there was no justification he was looking for…  
But he'd promised not to say anything about what he'd learned about Sydney's two missing years. Not about to be another loved one who betrayed her, Weiss decided to simply give his opinion based on the information he had, without revealing the information.

"Vaughn… I'm not going to lie. You know you are my friend, and I love you… in that straight gonna-get-you-drunk-at-your-bachelor-party best friend kind of way… but you sound like a prick. You cannot come to me asking for absolution or some kind of justification of how you've hurt Sydney. It's not fair to her at all.

You really want my opinion?"

Vaughn took a deep breath. He knew Eric would be honest, even if it was the brutal truth and thus potentially difficult to have to take.

"Yes, Eric. I need to know."

Weiss sighed. "Well, to be honest… I think that if you're actually unsure of the answer to the question of whether or not Syd would have waited for you if the situation were reversed… well, then you're just a blind fool.

I mean, look at what's happened. Sydney's been back several months… we're nearing on a year here… by now, after she'd died, you were already dating Lauren. But Sydney, to her, you being married… she knows you're the type of the guy to never leave your wife. Which, honestly Mike… I mean, I know it's morals and stuff… but the fact of the matter is that your morals only dictate that you do not have an affair… they don't forbid you from divorcing the woman. I mean, that's obsolete now that we know Lauren's who she is… but you could have done it before.. and you know it. But since Sydney knows you're not the type to leave your wife ever… to her, your relationship might as well be dead. You were out of reach – it was impossible.

Just like she was dead to you, your relationship seemed dead to her… it was the past… you'd moved on…

But she has this hope… this… it's not hope, it's faith. She doesn't have hope for you guys anymore… you've pretty much wrecked that, which is the unfortunate truth. She keeps building hope and then having it crushed. But she does have faith. She loves you, Vaughn. She is hopelessly in love with you. That's never changed. So, because of her love for you… the faith that comes with loving you… she hasn't moved on this year…

I mean, the answer to that question is right in front of you. Sure, she slept with Will once.. because she was sad, lonely, and depressed… but they both laughed it off… it was nothing. But she has not moved on. She hasn't even gone on a date. She hasn't stopped wanting it to be you. So yea, you know, I think that if the situation were reversed… if you were the one who woke up in Hong Kong, Sydney wouldn't have been wearing a ring. She would've welcomed you with kisses and open arms, and you guys would've been able to pick back up where you were."

The look on Vaughn's face made Eric feel a little guilty. He knew he was being brutally honest, but it's Vaughn asked for. It was the harsh dose of the reality of the situation he needed brought to his attention.

"Dude, Mike… I mean, I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings…"

"No, Weiss. It's okay… it's just a little shocking to hear all at once.. but shit… you're right… I didn't really think about all that… Why don't you think she searched for me when she was missing?"

'Oh, Mike,' Weiss thought, 'if you only knew…'

"Vaughn. I don't think you can just rule out her coming for you. Even if you didn't see her when she came to look for you doesn't mean she didn't. I mean, what if she couldn't come right away. What if she had to wait awhile…. And what if you were already with Lauren by the time she came back? I mean, can you imagine being kidnapped and coming back to look for her only to find her on a date with another man?"

"Wait… what makes you think that's what happened?"

"Dude, I'm speculating here. No one says that's what I automatically think happened. But what I can say with certainty, looking at what's going on now… there can't have been a day that passed when she didn't miss you…"

"Shit. How am I going to… what am I going to… I mean, first, I have to wait this bullshit with Lauren out. Which seriously… can you imagine what Ithat/I is going to do to Sydney. She's been watching us together all year… and now she knows my wife is the devil and is still going to have to watch me 'love' her. How the hell am I ever going to win Sydney back when this is over?"

"I don't know, man. Beg? Do whatever it takes."

The thoughts of the pending situation of trying to catch Lauren and thus apprehend the Covenant, and then getting Vaughn and Syd back together, loomed on their minds as they both sat in silence for the rest of their evening together. Two friends, thinking together, communicating without words.


End file.
